Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Fears and Promises...

A lot has been happening in my life lately. Last summer, I decided that it would be a good idea for me to completely and totally mess up my life. I did a lot of things that I regret and wish that had never happened. I lost a lot of friends. I lost someone even more important to me than that, and whats worse is I was the one who pushed her away. it took three months to undo a lifetime of work to get where I was at spiritually, emotionally, and relationally. Around August, September, I realized how messed up my life was, and I really have been trying to fix things since then. Things have slowly but surely gotten better. I am now at the point where I was at a year ago. I am working the same habits and the same problems I was a year ago, and I cannot help but be discouraged.
I know that God has forgiven me for what I did, but I am having a hard time understanding why or how he could, and thus am having a hard time accepting it. I wish that I could erase last summer from my life, I screwed so many things up and so many people over. These people have forgiven me, but I don't know how. I thank God for these people. These people would be My parents, my sister, my brother, Sarah, Lynnea, and anyone else that I was a role model for, or they just admired my faith. I let them all down. I hate that I did, but its in the past and that is all I can do, is seek reconciliation. I love these people, and it was a lack of love for these people that caused my problems.
This is what happens when you get selfish. You break your parents trust. You lose your little siblings admiration. You break your true loves heart. And you lose your friends. Let me ask you, is it worth it? Is it worth it for us to continue in our selfish ways and get what we want? Because I tell you now, from experience, it was the stupidest most ignorant thing I have ever done, to decide that what I want and desire is more important than everyone else's needs. If the me from today met the me from then I would slap him and tell him that he needs to get his head on straight and realize what he is doing. Maybe people tried to do that, and I didn't listen. I don't know. I have a feeling it wouldn't have done any good anyways. That would have made me want to do what I wanted to do even more.
I see God's hand in it now though. I have grown in ways that I would not have grown if I had not experienced those things. I have such a greater appreciation and love for the Gospel and what it means to me. Matthew Theissen put it best though when he said "Who I am hates who I have been." I think about all the ways that I messed up and it makes feel like throwing up. I get this gut feeling like, if a guy I knew did those things that I did to Sarah, I would punch him in the gut. If I knew a guy that did what I did to to my sister, I would punch him in the gut. If I knew a guy that betrayed his parents the way I did, I would punch him in the gut. If I knew a guy like I was, I would hate him. I deserve nothing more than to be hated and despised, because that is nothing more than what I did. I spit upon the people who loved me the most. I feel so dirty...
I know that they forgive me and that is more than I can ever ask for. I know that they are there with open arms, but I hesitate, almost because I am afraid that I will turn around and hurt them again. I couldn't put them through that. It wouldn't be fair. It wasn't fair the first time. It would be even less the second time.
Father, help me to realize your forgiveness. Help me to realize their forgiveness and move on to never make that mistake again.......

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