Well I've got bills to pay and taxmen on my tail. I just keep praying that the check's in the mail. And there are time it seems that everything's lost. When I'm blown and I'm tossed, but then I see, between the river and the ravens I'm fed. Between oblivion and blazes I'm led. So Father give me faith in providence and grace. Between the river and the ravens I'm fed. Oh sweet deliverer you lift up my head, and lead me in your way. Well I've grown sick and tired of trying to stand still. I've learned to let the wind blow me where it will, to throw myself into the wall of the wave. How can we ever be brave until we are free? And though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, and evil's all around. It's coming from the right and the left, I trust that I will see your glory above. Oh your banner of love, flies over me.
Why can I not be faithful? I have so many worries, so much burden, but I try so hard to carry it all on my own, even though I know that my Lord has offered on more than one occasion to help me with my load. I hate myself. Which in and of itself is something that I need to work on. I really do though. I know that I am good at things. Self-esteem is not an issue for me. It's more of a pride thing. I cannot let my savior help me with anything until it gets to the point where I collapse under its weight. I am at that point again. Why can I not get up in the morning and rely on him until I lay my head down to sleep again. He has proved to me time and time and time and time again that He is the only ever-faithful one. I can rely on him always. But when things aren't that bad I say "That's alright Lord, I can handle things on my own right now. I'll call you when I need you." As a good friend has always said "heart-break is necessary" to learn from our mistakes otherwise we will learn nothing from our mistakes. I am going to experience heartbreak. I am experiencing heartbreak. It's my own fault and my fault alone. My Lord will help me, again. But I need to learn so badly to rely on Him for the small things as well as the things that life altering. He provides for me so much and I take it all for granted. I hate who I have become over the past year. Satan has figured out how to hit me where it counts and make me stumble. I am finally seeing that. I am finally seeing things that I knew a long time ago, but lost sight of. Why does it take me falling under the weight of my own foolishness for me to learn?
Lord, forgive me.