Tuesday, December 19, 2006

I can finally see the sun through those black clouds.

Do you ever finally reflect on something that happened in your life and not know why it happened? Do you ever wait and wait for the meaning to become clear to you? Do you know the feeling of finally seeing why? I do now. As many of you know, I came to Tucson, Arizona for 5 days to see one of my best friends get married, and to catch up with old friends. Also many of you know I lived in Tucson for 10 years of my life. I left when I was forced by parents because my father had been unemployed and had, after 7 months, found one in southern California. Leaving was probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do. The friendships I had here were some of my best and longest lasting ones. I am still friends with everyone that I was when I left, and when I left I had been friend with them for a while. When I left, I hated it. I wanted nothing to do with God or my parents, or anything that was in California. It took a while, but I think I have finally made some great friends in Riverside, that I would not trade for the world. Back to topic though. When I left, I did not in any way understand why I had to leave. I went kicking and screaming at God because he wouldn't tell me why. I finally came around, and understood that he had a reason for it even if I couldn't see it. And I definitely could not see it. Until now. I see the way things are, and everything has changed, the people that I love, are no longer what they used to be. With different morals, and different lifestyles. I see that if I would have stayed here, I definitely not have been where I am today. Where I have had my share, of falling away, and not wanting to do what God wants me to, if I was here, I would have stayed that way. I would not have returned to what I was supposed to be doing. God knew that if I would have stayed here I would have not realized my call to ministry, or even come close to living the life that he has intended. It's hard for me to understand why God would bring such good out of such pain. I cannot remember how many nights I lay awake cursing Him for doing this to me. I get it now. He revealed it to me when it was time for me to see it. But it was hard not knowing. I had kind of come to a place where I did not understand, and I was O.K. with that. If I was supposed to know it would be revealed to me. I guess maybe that is where I have to with everything. I have be alright with not understanding before I can even come close to understanding. Almost everyone here seems so..... jaded, I guess is the only word I have to describe it. If I ever get jaded someone slap me. I cannot become jaded, or complacent, that is the farthest thing from God's plan there could be. I have been jaded and it sucks. Never again. To quote Bleach "I know it's a breakthrough to see what you always wanted me too. I know it's a breakthrough to not have to live like this anymore." Peace.

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