Monday, December 25, 2006


I did not write this. But it captured the way I feel and think so well. It also formulated the way I feel into words. Something that normally comes fairly easy, but on this topic I have had a rough time. Thanks to Justine.

"Anyone else not really in the hype of Christmas this year
I thought I was...
and then it didn't really happen.
The traditional stuff I mean.
Well at least at home.

We don't have lights or decorations, the family has been having little tiffs all day... we don't even have a tree.

I know.

Ridiculous for a Christmas in the lovely commercialized southern california.

But today me and my cousin read the christmas story before we opened presents.

As asked by my cousins dad... my uncle...

both of whom have only recently become Christians.

Whom I had been praying for for six years.

And so.

i failed again.

I let the spirit create an anticipation in me for a spectacular day full of color and life.

And in the expectation let the very life run dry in my heart.

The life that Is the very reason we even give such meaning to this day.

Expectation is a wonderful thing, dangerous as well...
because it leads to dissapointment.


for when it is for something...
or someone
Adn overflowing with what they have to give.
Never ending in fact.
With what every single one of us longs for (whther we admit it or not, i don't care)


Expectantly now... broken in my spirit and energy that the "season" could not bring.

“Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by You, says the Lord.” Jeremiah 29:12-14a

I am the LORD your God, who brought you up out of Egypt. Open wide your mouth and I will fill it. Psalm 81:10

Immanuel... God with us.

Even now.

So celebrate

We have acess to the joy that comes from the creator... not the thrill of unwrapping presents but that deep, unbreakable, perserverant joy... that lasts for all eternity.

Pretty much the best present I could ever ask for...

Becuase It's the only thing that I would never be able to live without.

From the only One that gives me life

Merry Christmas"

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

I can finally see the sun through those black clouds.

Do you ever finally reflect on something that happened in your life and not know why it happened? Do you ever wait and wait for the meaning to become clear to you? Do you know the feeling of finally seeing why? I do now. As many of you know, I came to Tucson, Arizona for 5 days to see one of my best friends get married, and to catch up with old friends. Also many of you know I lived in Tucson for 10 years of my life. I left when I was forced by parents because my father had been unemployed and had, after 7 months, found one in southern California. Leaving was probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do. The friendships I had here were some of my best and longest lasting ones. I am still friends with everyone that I was when I left, and when I left I had been friend with them for a while. When I left, I hated it. I wanted nothing to do with God or my parents, or anything that was in California. It took a while, but I think I have finally made some great friends in Riverside, that I would not trade for the world. Back to topic though. When I left, I did not in any way understand why I had to leave. I went kicking and screaming at God because he wouldn't tell me why. I finally came around, and understood that he had a reason for it even if I couldn't see it. And I definitely could not see it. Until now. I see the way things are, and everything has changed, the people that I love, are no longer what they used to be. With different morals, and different lifestyles. I see that if I would have stayed here, I definitely not have been where I am today. Where I have had my share, of falling away, and not wanting to do what God wants me to, if I was here, I would have stayed that way. I would not have returned to what I was supposed to be doing. God knew that if I would have stayed here I would have not realized my call to ministry, or even come close to living the life that he has intended. It's hard for me to understand why God would bring such good out of such pain. I cannot remember how many nights I lay awake cursing Him for doing this to me. I get it now. He revealed it to me when it was time for me to see it. But it was hard not knowing. I had kind of come to a place where I did not understand, and I was O.K. with that. If I was supposed to know it would be revealed to me. I guess maybe that is where I have to with everything. I have be alright with not understanding before I can even come close to understanding. Almost everyone here seems so..... jaded, I guess is the only word I have to describe it. If I ever get jaded someone slap me. I cannot become jaded, or complacent, that is the farthest thing from God's plan there could be. I have been jaded and it sucks. Never again. To quote Bleach "I know it's a breakthrough to see what you always wanted me too. I know it's a breakthrough to not have to live like this anymore." Peace.

Saturday, December 2, 2006

I am so insignificant....

Something I have really been learning and thinking about lately is how insignificant we as humans are. God, in His omniscience, knew that we would mess up the entire world. He knew that He would have to sacrifice His son, so that we would be could be with Him. He knew that Lucifer would try to become greater than Him. But He went ahead and created the world. Why? Why would He purposely created something He knew would eventually break. Eventually isn't even the right word. Soon. He knew would soon break. If you haven't noticed the first three pages of the Bible are about things being good, and the rest is God fixing it. I think the reason is simple as to why He would to this.... To further His glory. Everything good AND evil in history has furthered His glory and majesty. I think people make God out to be this person that is kind of lovey dovey, and I would even go as far as to say that they make Him out to be safe. If you trust Him you will be "safe". God is just about anything but those things. While He does love us with a love that we as pitiful human beings cannot even have an incling as to how deep it is, He is not a "sweet" guy and He is anything but safe. We tell people accept Christ and "everything will be ok." That is a load of crap. The moment you accept Christ things will become harder. Difference being we now have someone to help us with our burden. I am not entirely sure where I am going with all of this. Just something I have been trying to wrap my head around. I am not sure if I ever will. There is so much more I would like to say, but I will save it for a later post.